What not to do after a breakup or divorce

There is nothing in this world that breaks ones’ heart like loving people who do not respond to us with the same love and affection. It is like falling in love with an object (an idol) that will never respond to you. What do you do after a breakup or divorce?

Our society is in much pain, relationships have troubled the youth to the extent that they opt for suicide. Then, what is the cause and solution to all these troubles? All of us are compelled into a relationship for a different reason. Either for companionship, true love, lust, dependency, to find comfort out of our misfortunes, etc.

There are many people who engage for genuine reasons, but due to misfortunes, they break up. At this period one of the partners may realize that they were not really ready for the relationship in the first place. Or one of the partners becomes unfaithful and walks away. Or even the other partner decides they have fall-out of love. My friend! This is the time you realize that life can be really rough and that it can give you a blow and break your heart to the extent that you can’t love anymore.

Surprisingly we don’t respond to heartbreaks the same way. This depends on the degree of attachment to the person who has just walked away and how genuine our love was for each other.

When heartbroken, people tend to be disappointed and frustrated with life. Most people lose hope, while others are consumed with bitterness, pain, and depression. At this stage most, people tend to be vulnerable and very susceptible.

Compromised emotional integrity after a breakup.

I have learned that at this stage people always tend to find solace. however, since they are vulnerable and susceptible, they are likely to find comfort in the wrong hands. Some may opt to find comfort in drugs and alcohol. Others from friends or professions, while others may engage in self-destructive behaviors/ activities, such as: watching pornography, prostitution, or even suicide.

What mostly happens is that at these times of great distress, the emotional integrity of such people is compromised or can easily be compromised.

Due to compromised emotional integrity and out of desperation, we tend to be easily carried away by our emotions, as there is no place for logical thinking at the time. At this stage, we found ourselves trying to find solace in a new relationship (which may be a manifestation of desperation or lust). Or end up attached to someone who may think we want them for a relationship. That is, we find ourselves strongly attached to somebody, not because we love them, but because circumstances compelled us to do so. Since we are vulnerable, we become emotionally dependent on this person. Within a very short time, we become emotionally attached to them.

The vicious circle of heartbreaks (Heartbreak circuit).

This person has not come to our lives to get us to the place of peace, healing, and restoration, but because we are desperately in need of emotional support which they are very ready to offer.

After some time, especially when we begin to heal from the state of a broken heart, we realize we feel for someone out of our misfortunes and this person is convinced that we love. But deep within ourselves we know that we don’t love this person, we even wonder how we ever fell into their harm for help. A new problem has already developed.

It’s crazy friends, we find ourselves in an extremely compromised state. We find it very difficult to tell that person that we were never for the idea of a relationship. What makes it difficult, to tell the truth, is the fear that we will cause them heartbreak since we were once there. Sometimes we opt to ‘protect them’, but in a real sense, we are endangering that persons’ life.

What not to do after a breakup or divorce
This diagram represents the circumstances we find ourselves in after a breakup. If we don’t seek help we repeat the same mistakes over and over until it becomes a vicious circle.

The truth is that we are not in love but in a compromised state. (At this stage we can’t make the right judgment). If we don’t seek help or make the right decision, we may end up finding ourselves in a series of new problems each day, and break our heart as we also break the heart of that other person. We fail to protect ourselves and that other person, we fail to guard our heart.

What to do when you are emotionally compromised

When we come to the realization that we compromised, we need to make things right. With all due respect, we need to approach the other person and be open and tell him/her the truth. (this person may not respond as expected, in fact, they may end up blaming us for our action). The truth hurt, but it sets free. With time it brings healing and restoration. Once we have done the right thing, we need to seek professional help. We should avoid stress and exercise a healthy lifestyle. We should also build strong emotional integrity. The thing is, quite that relationship before it is too late.

Finding True comfort after a breakup

We should learn to seek comfort in the LORD always. Just as King David comforted himself in the LORD when he was about to be stoned by his men in their moment of distress (1 Samuel 30:6b).

Where is the place of patience in our lives? Because it is out of impatience that we find ourselves in trouble by making rush decisions. We are not babes anymore; it is our high time to be mature in our thinking and avoid being carried away by our emotions.

“Brethren, do not be children [immature] in your thinking; continue to be babes in [matters of] evil, but in your minds be mature [men].” (1 Corinthians 14:20, AMP)


“I know that life is not a straight course. it is a series of events, each bringing with it its own phase, and none of them can be avoided, but remember this, above all God, is in control.”

Joshua mwangangi

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